**Warning. This blog is not written in my usual humorous style. This is a more serious glimpse of my more evasive inner self. Reading it might just make you feel better about you. (Okay, there are some funny parts-and funny pictures.**I've had this...affliction since I was very young.
Nobody "gets" me.
Admittedly, I'm a little odd. Marching to the beat of my own drummer is something I've NEVER wanted to do-but it just happens. Oh, I'm not some weirdo eccentric that collects belly-button lint and and sleeps with stuffed clowns, but I AM different. I've never been a part of the cool crowd, never been hip or with-it. Always, somehow, I was just a step behind-or sideways.
In elementary school I attributed it to the fact that I was smart
(you know that's never cool). In middle school I blamed it on the fact that I was awkward, ugly, and had a tremendously awful home-perm for a good portion of that time. During high-school I was one of those really unlucky gays struggling with her sexuality (and mullet) while attending a very small, rural school in the 80's, and always with some really nice, respectful guy as a cover boyfriend. (All key elements of social disaster).Community college-isn't everyone isolated there? Finally, at a state college FAR from my home town (okay-as far as away as I could get and still pay in-state tuition) I "came out" as a lesbian. There were other GAY PEOPLE!! Who knew???? I wasn't a total paraiah!!! Hoooray!!
But I still wasn't even one of the cool gays. I think I wore way too much flannel-even when flannel was cool. Or perhaps the wrong color-combo...maybe the wrong hat? The wrong rebelliously shaved head? Whatever it was, I had found my people, but I still felt I was on the outside looking in.
Don't get me wrong-through the years there have been ups and downs-just like in anyone's life. People have come, people have gone. I've had good friends, great friends, friends that make me laugh, friends that borrowed money, friends that watched the same movie over and over with me until we had it memorized, and I've had friends that make me cry. Some of these friends are still friends today. Through the magic of facebook, some of these friends have returned. And I really do have some super-amazing people in my life.
But I've never really had a lasting best friend.
At this point, some of you may be scratching your heads and saying "what about Lisa?" Yes, Lisa is my life-partner/best friend that sort of "gets" me, but she is also my spouse. For those of you in the straight seats, how many of you can vent about your husband's maddening quirks TO HIM? How many of you have a BFF you can giggle with and rant to when you need a "girls
night out?" (AKA: get-the-hell-out-of-the-house-night). It's nice isn't it? It sounds nice. Often I will hear people talking about their best friend and describing how they've been besties since sorority/high school/cheer camp/grade school/birth. They talk about how they can tell each other EVERYTHING, and they are always there for each other, can count on each other, blah, blah, blah. That kind of friendship shows up in books, movies, talk shows, magazines and the illustrious made-for-TV movies on Hallmark channel. Even dudes have their own version of best buds (see bro-mance). It seems like everyone I know already has that BFF in their life. Why did I miss out?My conclusion about this is three-fold:
#1-nobody "gets" me. I have interesting hobbies, I have ADD... (OMG-SQIRREL!), I play
non-traditional sports for a woman, the lesbian thing seems to be a problem for some, I'm fascinated by all religions-but practice none, I select my wardrobe based on color-the ones that make me happy that day, my memory has more holes than swiss cheese, I can make/build/create just about anything I see that interests me, I read voraciously, I am a pretty good imitation of the Absent-Minded Professor, my politics are all over the board, and I've seen dead people. Seriously.
#2-I have been hurt badly enough that I deflect anyone from really getting to know me well enough to become my best friend. My deflection tool of choice is humor. Everybody loves somebody funny, but no one wants to hang around the tears of a clown. So, I stick to funny. It's safer there.#3- I still have trouble accepting myself
"as is" and that usually translates into others having trouble accepting me "as is." Some days I want to be super-feminine...but I have no sense of style and am painfully aware of that fact. Some days I just want to be comfortable-but I'm also painfully aware of how sloppy that can look. Bottom line-I'm not comfortable in my own skin and that keeps people at arm's length as well. But that's all about perception and self-esteem, huh? I can work on that...So, here I sit after a VERY bad day, pouring my heart out to...well, no one, everyone-I'm not sure. I do know that I'm lonely. This hotel room in Plano, TX where I spend 10 nights of every month is too quiet. I also know that I would like to have a best friend. Boy or girl. Is it too late?
Or maybe I'm so absent-minded I totally MISSED the fact that one of you reading this is trying to get close enough to be my best friend-or already considers yourself as such. If you are that person, I'm so sorry. For the love of God-just tell me. I can be rather obtuse. Or maybe now that you've read this you're thinking that even with all my weirdness I might make good best friend material with a little work.
Or maybe this whole blog is just so sadly pathetic for a 39-year old woman to be writing that as soon as I hit "publish" I will have widened that rift between me and everyone else....
Awww, what the hell.
