I Need Your Help

Dear Friends,

I need your help.  If you could provide encouragement, motivation, a swift kick in my ass, kind words, helpful anecdotes, clean eating recipes for one, ideas, inspiration, prayers, directions, or any other kind of assistance that will help to get/keep me moving in the right direction, I will be eternally grateful.  There is some kind of wall-some kind of heavy, dark blanket that I can't seem to get around, or out of, or through. I've become my own worst enemy.  I must find my motivation, and I must get moving and get healthy. My life depends on it.  There are 70 vital pounds to be lost and fitness/health to be found. Can you help me?  I'm completely exasperated with myself and am at my wit's end.  (Please keep in mind that I am not wealthy).

Feel free to post your awesome and most welcome help in the comment section on this blog, or:

Send Motivation Via E-mail

Send motivation via snail mail (it works too)
Tracy Sand
P.O. Box 821506
Vancouver, WA 98682

Bless all of you for listening....

It's a RECORD!!

There is scary stuff chasing you.

It IS a record: I've run 3 days in a row!!

I did REAL running-not just from a spider, because hitherto, that was my main motivation for running.  It was also my motivation for practicing my "straight-up-and-sideways-about-10-feet" magic jumping skills. The other time I ran was out of my mom's basement. When I was little, I was convinced that demons lived in the crawlspace beneath the stairs, as well as in the closet in the sewing room that was down there. (No doubt this information came from an older sibling-just like my rampant arachnophobia. Older siblings are such fun.) Later, I saw the biggest spiders of my life in that basement. Therefore, when I grew older and more rational, I did not change my behavior one iota. I still sprint the hell up out of there no matter what. Something is always right behind me-I firmly believe that. Mom is considering remodeling the house into a one-story, and I fully approve. For now though, we can just be comfortable in the knowledge that at any given time, my best running speeds could be clocked coming up the stairs out of the clutches of Satan's Lair at my mom's house. 

Here is where I am so far in this formal running thing...

15 minute mile-I'll take it!!

DAY 1  

Ran for the first time on purpose in a long time.

Ran in the dark to save the masses from seeing all this fantasticness

flopping around and gasping mightily for pure, sweet air.

-Did my best imitation of "Pete Rose meets Concrete" when I 

tripped over a downed tree-branch. (Was thankful for the cover of darkness. Hard to even swear when you can't breathe anyway).

-Was so freaking proud of myself that I made it a whole mile without dying that I started singing "Eye of the Tiger", and my neighbor tested my "straight-up-and-sideways-10ft-magic jumping skills when he clapped. (Must remember the cover of darkness hides scary shit, too).

Shaving time off!

DAY 2

Wonder of wonders, ran on purpose two days in a row. Normally I tell myself I need a day of rest in between runs, and then like a year and a half later I go on my second run. MAJOR triumph here.

-Got assaulted and chased by a cat. I was running past some black-berry brambles and this enormous black and white spawn of the devil jumped out from the tangle and attacked me!  Little bastard, I could get THAT treatment at home. It chased me about 20 yards and gave up. 

-I shaved almost a minute off my time!!  Whoo hooo!!  I blame the sprint away from the evil cat...

I might get better at this...

DAY 3

Everyone remain calm!!!  I ran THREE days in a row-and no one was chasing me. There wasn't a ball involved, I wasn't having zombie delusions, and I wasn't sleep-running (although that will become a concern down the road if this running thing becomes a habit. But I'll save my sleep-walking stories for another post).

-I TOTALLY ran faster and longer, and didn't have to walk as much to keep my heart from exploding. 

-There were no notable run-ins with either branches or felines, although I may have stepped in something suspicious-really hoping it was leaves.

I'm feeling good, I'm burning calories-and my mood is improving quite a bit. Plus, I have this sense of accomplishment I haven't had in a long time. Last night I even went to the gym AFTER my run to do more stuff. I'm not ready to admit running could be a good thing-my knees are still telling me I'm a fat jackass, and I have a stubborn streak a mile wide...but I'm willing to continue to see where this running thing leads. Thank you to everyone who has been encouraging and supportive. 70lbs from now I'll even let you say "I told you so."

And for those of you keeping score from the Bandanna-wagon, here they are! (Remember, it's one bandanna a workout, and then I'll start over again when I hit 50-who is joining me on this go-round?)

The Endorphinator

I apologize for the extended hiatus.  I have returned....

During my time away, I was not idle, but it was not an easy time.  My previous post was all about stress.
Well, the stress increased exponentially and was no picnic, but I weathered it with this fantastic, magical wonderment known as the mighty ENDORPHIN!! Every time I figured out I was feeling a deepest shade of blue (indicated by being wrapped in a blanket watching my 17th consecutive episode of Star Trek Voyager on Netflix) I went for a walk. My added visits to the gym produced a cleaning frenzy whirlwind that resulted in a sparkly-clean and organized office/art studio (a previously unheard of anomaly), the deletion of two giant bags of clothes that don't fit, and a 1/4 totally weeded front yard.  Unfortunately, my back gave out before my endorphin wave did.  This all felt FANTASTIC.  I could conquer the world!!  I could start a business!!  I could....totally take a nose-dive.

That white, digital slice of imbalanced hell-the bathroom scale-got to me again. I have lost...NOTHING!!!  This was highly discouraging and sent me back to the couch for a day or two. There have been no inches lost either. Unacceptable. the natural progression was to demean myself, to open up my mind to all kinds of doubt in myself. My inner voice is a nasty little item that is abusive and mean-spirited. She has serious issues. I have named her after a similar someone in my past, but for the purposes of avoiding lawsuits, we shall call her..."Jane Ho."  Jane Ho went all whippy slap-slap on my psyche after I viewed that heartbreaking lack of change on the scale. She led me over to the mirror and compared me to a hippo, then changed her mind and told me I look more like a rhino with my big shnoz and jello-jiggler midsection. Jane Ho told me I would never see a difference and that I was just going to fail.  She even came close to convincing me that my blog is a stupid waste of time-no one is listening. She went too far with that one. I got mad.  "Listen here, Jane Ho, you can fuck right off!  I've been working hard!! And it doesn't matter if anyone is listening!! This is MY change!  FOR ME!!"  Then I jumped all up on the reasonable train and left Jane Ho behind to talk to herself and the spots on the wall. (And before you voice concern about my apparent schizophrenia-it's okay, Jane Ho moved out).

I HAVE been working hard. I may not be seeing a difference on the scale, or in inches yet, but there have
been so many other positive changes. My struggles with getting my diet on track continue to be the major factor between me losing inches and pounds vs. ideal shrinkage. I will continue to improve.  I'm sure of it. I just have to stay out of the grocery store and never drive past a fast food joint.  Just kidding.  I need a huge injection of will-power.  All suggestions on how to acquire this are welcome.  In the meantime, here is a list of the positive changes that I've experiences so far:

1. Energy: My energy levels are up. I'm getting stuff done like a soccer-mom on a 15-shot espresso high.
2. Mood: Laughter and humor are my baselines, but I actually caught myself whistling at 5:30 am yesterday!
3. Air: I don't have to gasp for breath after tying my shoes anymore, or climbing stairs, or using the remote.
4. Joints:  My knees used to call me unmentionable things-especially when it rained.  Not so much now!
5. Distance: Walking 5.0 miles is no big deal. I still want to die a bit on steep inclines, but I don't have to lie down and gasp like an untanked guppie anymore.  :)
6. Social: I've been re-connecting with old friends, making new friends, and generally getting out more.
7. Strength: I can open jars again.
8. Focus: Attention span is a crap-shoot when you have unmedicated ADHD.  I sat through a 3-hour presentation on the Holocaust the other day. Only started squirming with about 20 minutes left to go.

All these things have brought me back to my positive outlook as I continue to forge on.  I'm getting closer to the end of the first 50 Bandanas, but it has become clear that this first 50 has been all about learning and habit-forming, breaking horrible cycles and installing healthy ones. I'm totally looking forward to the changes the next 50 Bandanas will bring!!

As always, thank you to everyone who keeps me motivated.  You rock!!!  Here's a healthy little list of snacks that I'll be portioning out.  You should too!