I Just Diet In Your Arms Tonight

Diets were created by the devil. Period.

Yes, I agreed to embark on the "BEST DIET EVER!" as convinced by my partner-and I was pretty gung-ho about it. I am now convinced that she may have been hypnotized or lost a small part of her mind. Here are a few of the things I learned during my experiement with the HCG diet (which lasted 4 days total for me-2 for "loading" and 2 for actual dieting).

Thing Learned #1. Never start a diet with your partner if there is a certain amount of initial starvation involved. You may soon be single. It's a little bit like wrapping PMS up in a bad hair day and serving it up with a heaping platter of "Fuck YOU" and a side of "Yes, those pants make you look fat," and washing it all down with a big frosty mug of ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING you've ever done wrong. (I'm lucky to be alive...but then, so is she. We're even more lucky to still be together).

Thing Learned #2. NEVER, and I mean NEVER start a diet while on vacation. Especially a road trip vacation. Not only are you trapped in a car together with no escape for MILES AND MILES, but all that frustration, anger and hunger will manifest in hostile ways at some point. I'm pretty sure that in the middle of nowhere, right around 3 pm, my lovely bride's head spun around three times, her eyes turned red, and she hissed, "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL!!!" But I could've been hallucinating, I was pretty hungry and was eyeballing her right arm and considering BBQ sauce at the time...

Thing Learned #3. Dieters are under constant assault and seek escape only to be assaulted again. I tried reading a book-the characters were having fantastic Thanksgiving-type meal (I had to stop reading because drool tends to make the pages stick together). I tried reading a magazine-that was just stupid. Restaurants spray themselves all over magazines like dogs on a park trail. I tried staring out the window and daydreaming. (Did you know there are approximately 3,000 restaurants along the freeway between Keizer, OR and Albany, OR alone)? I tried sleeping, but woke myself up snoring before I devoured that giant Sonic burger of my dreams. I turned on the radio hoping to lure the cleaning fairy into a sing-along. (If I had heard that phrase 'I'm loving it' coupled with cheery music one more time, I feel I would've been justified in my express need to commit homicide-the cleaning fairy saved the radio just in time). I even tried doing the road sign alphabet game with the cleaning fairy (pre-head spinning incident). "Okay...I'll start with A....Applebees!" "B...Boston Market!" C...Chili's! God damnit!!! Are there any road signs NOT sponsored by or tied to a restaurant???" For an idea of where the rest of the game devolved to, see Thing Learned #1.

Thing Learned #4. Dieters LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE to themselves. "Oh, this sliver of steak with a side of raw radishes is FANTASTIC! I really do feel full!" or... "I can eat 28 large strawberries to round out my calories for the day and everything will be great!!" (Thank God for frequent rest stops, YIKES).

Thing Learned #5. You can not make up for the lack of calories with varied and abundant spices. "Could you pass me the Fiesta Lime, Carribean Jerk, Garlic Herb, Chicken Delight, and regular Mrs. Dash bottles, please? Oh, and send over the Perfect Pinch and a cup of parsely leaves too while you're at it?" Some flavors, no matter how famished you are, just don't go together.

Thing Learned #6. Losing 7lbs in two days is exhilarating, but getting dizzy and falling off the scale is just dumb.

Thing Learned #7. As much as I hate to admit it, mother and my trainer know best. Balanced calories with regular exercise do the trick. Fad diets are just that-fads. Upon hearing of my latest dieting foibles, Mom told me this wonderful story about how her older sister, my Aunt Carol, ordered these "diet caramels" back in the day. You were supposed to eat a caramel, wait an hour and then eat the diet as a prescribed and exercise every day. Mom said, "Any damn fool would've lost weight doing the diet and exercise alone. And Carol did lose weight, but did she eat just one caramel? Noooo, she polished of the whole damn box in one day...I know, because I went looking for them to 'try' one." Gotta love Mom. :) Mom's moral: to lose weight, one must do it sensibly.

Thing Learned #8. I don't diet well. I was on VACATION for God's sake. AND we stopped in Reno! I had made it two days with my melba toast and 500 calories. I admit, I was not strong. Boy, when I hit that buffet I probably scared people with my glazed over eyes and Ethopian physique. Okay, I obviously didn't get all fence-rail in two days...but I felt like it, and I was freaking HUNGRY! I paid for the buffet, loaded up my plate with fantastic-ness, and got all settled down with my guilt and my giant glass of Dr. Pepper (aka manna from heaven)-totally determined to partake of the best of everything. Wouldn't you know it? My traitor-ass stomach had shrunk. Meh. Stupid effing diet. I went to the dessert table anyway.

So yes, I fell off the diet wagon. Jumped, really. But, I didn't feel dizzy, sick or really pissed off at the world anymore. AND, the 2 day stint of starvation coupled with the guilt I felt anytime I ate real food in front of the cleaning fairy did something amazing for me...it broke my addiction to fast food. We made it through the rest of our LONG LONG LOOOOONG road trip and when we returned home, I didn't have the craving for fast food any more. I've improved my diet, I'm eating cleaner, healthier food, and I'm exercising daily. I see a steady, yet not drastic loss when I step on the scale. I feel pretty darn good. And the dreams of food in all forms have ceased.

As for the cleaning fairy, I'm very proud of her. She has gutted it out (pun intended) and stayed on the diet. She's either a trooper, or just plain stubborn. This diet really seems to be working for her. However, I do have my suspicions...some of my low-calorie fig bars are missing and someone besides me ate the curl off the new jar of peanut butter. But I won't judge. There is still that "PMS/bad hair day/I'm freaking starving wrath" to consider. For now, I'll just duck and cover and tell her how great she looks. :)