How'd I get so fat?

Week 3


Leave me alone.



At the end of week 2 I felt FANTASTIC!!!  So fantastic, in fact, that I totally bombed during Week 3.  My lack of performance and motivation stank it up like Tony Romo stanks up Cowboys Stadium. Renuzit didn't develop a product that would alleviate my level of stankage.  Before this evolves into a sad list of "I stank soooo bad" jokes that rivals the "Your Mama" insults, I'll move on to why I'm struggling...



Way back in 2000, I met a mysterious stranger named DEPRESSION. Depression didn't come into my life yelling and screaming and effing up my days, like a bull in a Tracy shop, no.  Depression crept in and ate away at the edges of my everything like a caustic mist. The hellish loss of a job and total change in career direction was the door that opened up to let Depression in. An unemployed, directionless work-a-holic presents prime real estate for Depression and it's minions; Self-Hate and Self-Loathing. I had been sad before, and I had a rough go of it in school, but I'd always been able to carry on and sally forth. Depression and it's friends seeped into my mind and erased all the happiness from the world and my memory like a Dementor out of Azkaban. I couldn't remember anything good about myself. Sinking lower and lower into the vicious cycle of self-hatred, I walked right up to the edge of suicide and teetered there on the brink.  I slipped off the edge twice, but luckily, I'm still here.

145lbs to 220 lbs from first game to last.

Surprisingly, during this bout of depression, I didn't pack on any weight. I started playing soccer five nights a week to keep busy, and got a part-time job to return to a state of sane. Overall, I stayed pretty fit and slim.  Then, I was struck by a bolt of lighting...or maybe more like an earthquake. During my break at my illustrious seafood counter job at Fred Meyer, I saw the flyer. There was no way I could've known this particular flyer was going to shape my future. This ominous, fabulous flyer would ultimately lead me down a path that would result in a new career, one bad relationship, a move to Colorado (and a move back), one fantastic relationship and a marriage, a master's degree, and so far-12 years of highs, lows and sideways.  This fateful flyer invited women to come try-out for the Portland Shockwave football team. I think I gasped. It was a dream come true. I tried out, I made the team, and the rest is history...sort of.  For my position, the coach asked me to put on some weight. Apparently, I took him seriously. From my first game to my last, I gained 75lbs! 

It didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't always a steady climb to the top. By the beginning of my second season I was 180-most of it muscle.  Then I went through the kind of break-up where you can't even choke down toast because your heart hurts so bad. You lie on the couch watching stupid sappy movies over and over and just want to die.  My weight dropped down to 140.  I looked good, but I sure didn't feel good.  Not eating is NEVER the way to lose weight. Time healed my pain and eventually food was appetizing again.

At this point you may be asking yourself how I got to 220lbs if I had kicked depression and dropped to 140lbs.  Well, I didn't really kick Depression-I had just fooled it for a while. The Self-Loathing was still hanging around. In 2004 I was offered a great promotion, but I had to move to Denver. Adventure has always lured me, so I took the job. Denver and I did not grow on each other. Like so many, I was fooled into thinking Denver was all Rocky Mountain High and surrounded by lovely. In reality, Denver is flatter than a pancake, thin on oxygen, and high on jack-ass drivers.

Depression found me again and this time brought ADDICTION along with it. I was bored and lonely, so I ate food-fast food.  There was a Sonic just down the street, a local burger place, and a Schlotsky's Deli.  Near where I worked there was a McDonalds and a Taco Bell.  And then I discovered Qdoba!  Bliss. I was stowing about 1,000 calories per meal! I remember being pissed because the apartment dryer kept shrinking my clothes! Porky Pig had nothing on me. By the time I returned home at the end of a year, the addiction was fixed and  my waist, bra, and shirt size was growing. Depression ebbed and flowed like a drowning tide. I became drenched in the accompanying addiction. To save myself, I have to address the biggest enabler I have.  My job.

My career in merchandising requires a lot of travel and comes with an expense account. I justified my eating by telling myself I played football, so I couldn't get fat. And I told myself I wasn't fat. I told myself I deserved to eat that crap because I worked hard.  And I told myself that the extra padding made me a better player. And even as I was eating it every day, I told myself a little fast food couldn't hurt me. And deep down inside, I felt protected from the world with the more weight I put on.  Padding between them and me, and between me and the hurt. And the extra padding came free with the expense account.

 

(f) Expense Account + (a) Self Loathing + (t) Excuses and Delusions = Formula for Failure (fat)

I have to find a better anwer to eating on the road.  Friends have offered great suggestions, and I have a book that outlines wonderful ways to pack for time on the road. The Eat-Clean diet closely mirrors the diet my doctor laid out for me.  She travels a lot, so she has some great tips, tricks, and recipes.  If you are looking for a guide for a healthy life change, this lady rocks!  If I can stand strong and over-come the lazy and put all her advice into action, I'm going to punt this addiciton right through the uprights!!

And now for a winning equation to combat the Formula for Failure. Week 3 may have been all filled with STANK, but Week 4 is going to be all filled up with WIN!!