Saturday, May 25, 2013

An Open Letter to All the Politicians in America

An Open Letter to All the Politicians in America

Dear Politicians,

The people that you truly answer to
would like to know if you care
 about more 
than you, yourself, and more of you.

Turn off the noise.
Turn off the drumbeat.
Turn off the press.
Turn off the sound.
It's time to earn our respect,
so open up your ears and
sit your asses down.

Hang up your party hat,
kick the lobbyists out the door,
put your wallet back in your pocket-empty-
just like all the people you're supposed to be
fighting for.

Close your eyes on your prejudice learned,
open your arms to citizenship earned,
walk away from the needy hypocrites
who are drowning you in their Party Politics.

STOP funding the lazy
START properly funding the brave
Invest in the future
and quit being a bitchy
partisan slave

Quit qualifying your quantifications
and check your ever-growing paychecks at the door.

Turn off the symphony of speculation
Sit down together at the table
And use COMMON SENSE 
to save this broken nation!!

Sincerely,

Tracy Sand
A Patriot

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Mean Girl

My Inner Voice is an Abusive Bitch

She is mean, volatile and cruel. She works me over in ways the" Mean Girls" could only dream of.  Every time I look in the mirror she mercilessly tells me how ugly, fat, and worthless I am. If I were to draw  what she looks like, she would be different from every angle. Each angle would reveal that she resembles some one from my past that told me I'm ugly, fat or worthless. She seems to have no soul.  She criticizes me constantly. She whispers, she laughs at me, she screams. 

And I listen to her.


It feels almost impossible to tune her out. She is unpredictable. When I get all fired up and determined to change, she is my best friend, but if I slip just a little bit, even for a second, she becomes my worst enemy. She just doesn't know how to be supportive or kind to me. This puzzles me because I work so hard to be supportive and kind to everyone around me, yet I can't seem to be kind to myself. When the voice really gets going, I feel like an unlovable loser. Recently, I've felt like that all the time. And when I feel like that, food is often my comfort. 

Two weeks ago I was riding my bike, walking, eating right, and feeling good. My weight was starting to drop, my clothes were starting to loosen, and I was four bandannas away from my first 50 bandanna goal. Somehow this taste of success must've threatened the hell out of my inner voice, because she kicked her nasty criticism into high gear and sent me sailing off track. I lost my appetite, and then when I did eat, I only ate garbage. That abusive, ever-present voice was a constant stream of "I told you so" and "I knew you couldn't do it."  I sank lower. 

You know, I have never tolerated and will never tolerate anyone abusing anyone else-physically, emotionally, or verbally.  Why do I allow my inner voice to do it to me? My illustrious, super-smart counselor and I were talking this week about this and she asked me to consider what it would be like if my inner voice actually liked me. Sadly, I couldn't even guess at what it might be like. My inner voice has been this way for as long as I can remember-brutal, unforgiving, and always demanding perfection. However, they say that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Crazy is not the title I want, so it's obviously time to try something different. 

How do I do this?  How do I change how my inner voice speaks to me?  How to I rehab her from Mean Girl to Sister Supportive? I want to do this, but I have no idea how. And the idea scares me to death because sadly enough, like a long-term victim of abuse, I am comfortable with the Mean Girl. She is least a known entity. The unknown of having a supportive inner voice for the first time scares the heck out of me. What is she even going to respond to?  Do I force the change?  Does it happen over night?  Seriously, how does this work?  I guess I will figure that out as I go.

In the meantime, I am going to resume the bandanna wars. The first 46 bandannas were certainly for learning. I'm starting over with a new 50, and those will be for growing.

Stay tuned....

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dance Fever

"Dance first, think later"

When I was working out with the most fantastic trainer in the world (the one that made me puke my first time out----love you, LaGunta) I refused to jump rope in front of the other people in the gym. It flooded my system with an anxiety wave that drowned my sense of humor and exposed my flaming, red angry.  Deep in my soul I knew that all those skinny little gazelles lined up on the treadmills with a full-view of my hippo-shaped, two-bras-for-safety's-sake-wearing, jump-roping-ass, would be secretly laughing at me. And we all know that when we are on the treadmill our eyes wander to anything that is moving-anything to distract us from the torture of walking on purpose. And currently, all of my parts move when I try to go all Rocky on the jump rope.
 
But if she had just asked me to dance instead...

Calories burned in 30 minutes!!

For some incomprehensible reason, I have no problems dancing wherever I am.  I don't care who's watching. This weekend I even learned how to shake and shimmy (thank you, Belinda).  I've been known to dance in the middle of the cul de sac at midnight by the light of the moon, get my groove on in the grocery store aisle, and even bust a move while baking. Therefore, dancing my ass off-and any other body parts-just makes sense. This morning I tried out the "Rockin' Body" series with Shaun T. Much fun!!  My office/art studio is now also my dance floor!

The right brain shows concussion indicators.
Yes, dancing burns a ton of calories, but there are other added benefits as well. It is not a secret that I may have taken one too many bumps in the head throughout my sports career. 30 years of soccer, 6 years of rugby and 10 years of football can be a bit tough on the noggin. So much information has come out recently about the long-term effects of concussions that it can be rather scary to consider what symptoms I face. So far, the manifestations have surfaced in the form of a slight stutter, difficulty finding the right word I want to say, short-term memory issues, and frequent headaches. However, there is very little research concerning how a female athlete's brain is affected-or if the effect is greater. My doctor is a former football player and is fairly fascinated with my case. He and I are searching for brain studies for me to join. In the meantime, he has directed me to do puzzles, challenging thinking games, and lots of exercise-including dancing.

You see, it seems that dancing and learning new dance patterns can have a crazy-awesome positive effect on the brain. I found an article by Richard Powers-dance guru- that sites a study in the New England Journal of Medicine about the effects of recreation activities on mental acuity in aging.  

"One of the surprises of the study was that almost none of the physical activities appeared to offer any protection against dementia. There can be cardiovascular benefits of course, but the focus of this study was the mind. there was one important exception: the only physical activity to offer protection against dementia was frequent dancing." -Richard Powers

That's right. Who knew that shaking my butt might save my brain?  You can see more of the article by Richard Powers here:
Check out these findings from the study:
Reading-                   35% reduced risk of dementia
Bicycling-                   0%  reduced risk
Swimming-                 0%  reduced risk
Crossword puzzles    47% reduced risk (4 x per week)
                                                                      Playing golf                  0% reduced risk
                                                                      Dancing Frequently    76% reduced risk!!

This all totally makes sense to me. Learning new dances can be difficult. Getting your body to do what your brain is telling it can be like trying to settle a herd of kindergartners down for a nap while wearing a monster mask.  One part is sure to go off screaming in the wrong direction-and maybe all the parts.  Now set that chaos to music. If you're really on your game, set that chaos to music and try to choreograph it!

Happy Hoppers Square Dance Club
 In retrospect, I should probably thank my parents for my early appreciation of dance, as well as the mental acuity and coordination that came with it. My parents were from Montana, they joined a square dance club called the "Happy Hoppers." Inevitably, I got roped into taking Square Dance lessons. I will admit here that I LIKED the square dance lessons.  It was fun, rigorous exercise, and there were always new moves to learn that got increasingly more intricate. Okay, I HATED the fluffy dress and girly shoes I had to wear, and the fact that my partner was always Jeff- the caller's son.  Jeff and I were the same age, so we had to dance together all the time. We even had to do square dance exhibitions together. Since we were little 3rd graders, everyone thought we were sooooooo cute-but that is a whole other story. (Although I do find it amusing that we both turned out to be gay. Interesting.)  My point is that dancing in all forms really can be stimulating for the brain as well as the body. 

I actually have this CD.  Love it.
This week I will be doing more dancing and less worrying about the pounds and the inches. I assume they will come off on their own as I unleash the boogie fever to my disco beats, get my rump-shakin' Zumba on, Just Dance my way across the living room, and do my best go-go dancer shimmy while I'm working in the garden. Dance like no one is watching, my friends!

"Let us read, and let us dance; those two amusements will never do any harm to the world."

-Voltaire

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Endorphinator








I apologize for the extended hiatus.  I have returned....

During my time away, I was not idle, but it was not an easy time.  My previous post was all about stress.
Well, the stress increased exponentially and was no picnic, but I weathered it with this fantastic, magical wonderment known as the mighty ENDORPHIN!! Every time I figured out I was feeling a deepest shade of blue (indicated by being wrapped in a blanket watching my 17th consecutive episode of Star Trek Voyager on Netflix) I went for a walk. My added visits to the gym produced a cleaning frenzy whirlwind that resulted in a sparkly-clean and organized office/art studio (a previously unheard of anomaly), the deletion of two giant bags of clothes that don't fit, and a 1/4 totally weeded front yard.  Unfortunately, my back gave out before my endorphin wave did.  This all felt FANTASTIC.  I could conquer the world!!  I could start a business!!  I could....totally take a nose-dive.
That white, digital slice of imbalanced hell-the bathroom scale-got to me again. I have lost...NOTHING!!!  This was highly discouraging and sent me back to the couch for a day or two. There have been no inches lost either. Unacceptable. the natural progression was to demean myself, to open up my mind to all kinds of doubt in myself. My inner voice is a nasty little item that is abusive and mean-spirited. She has serious issues. I have named her after a similar someone in my past, but for the purposes of avoiding lawsuits, we shall call her..."Jane Ho."  Jane Ho went all whippy slap-slap on my psyche after I viewed that heartbreaking lack of change on the scale. She led me over to the mirror and compared me to a hippo, then changed her mind and told me I look more like a rhino with my big shnoz and jello-jiggler midsection. Jane Ho told me I would never see a difference and that I was just going to fail.  She even came close to convincing me that my blog is a stupid waste of time-no one is listening. She went too far with that one. I got mad.  "Listen here, Jane Ho, you can fuck right off!  I've been working hard!! And it doesn't matter if anyone is listening!! This is MY change!  FOR ME!!"  Then I jumped all up on the reasonable train and left Jane Ho behind to talk to herself and the spots on the wall. (And before you voice concern about my apparent schizophrenia-it's okay, Jane Ho moved out).

I HAVE been working hard. I may not be seeing a difference on the scale, or in inches yet, but there have
been so many other positive changes. My struggles with getting my diet on track continue to be the major factor between me losing inches and pounds vs. ideal shrinkage. I will continue to improve.  I'm sure of it. I just have to stay out of the grocery store and never drive past a fast food joint.  Just kidding.  I need a huge injection of will-power.  All suggestions on how to acquire this are welcome.  In the meantime, here is a list of the positive changes that I've experiences so far:

1. Energy: My energy levels are up. I'm getting stuff done like a soccer-mom on a 15-shot espresso high.
2. Mood: Laughter and humor are my baselines, but I actually caught myself whistling at 5:30 am yesterday!
3. Air: I don't have to gasp for breath after tying my shoes anymore, or climbing stairs, or using the remote.
4. Joints:  My knees used to call me unmentionable things-especially when it rained.  Not so much now!
5. Distance: Walking 5.0 miles is no big deal. I still want to die a bit on steep inclines, but I don't have to lie down and gasp like an untanked guppie anymore.  :)
6. Social: I've been re-connecting with old friends, making new friends, and generally getting out more.
7. Strength: I can open jars again.
8. Focus: Attention span is a crap-shoot when you have unmedicated ADHD.  I sat through a 3-hour presentation on the Holocaust the other day. Only started squirming with about 20 minutes left to go.

All these things have brought me back to my positive outlook as I continue to forge on.  I'm getting closer to the end of the first 50 Bandanas, but it has become clear that this first 50 has been all about learning and habit-forming, breaking horrible cycles and installing healthy ones. I'm totally looking forward to the changes the next 50 Bandanas will bring!!

As always, thank you to everyone who keeps me motivated.  You rock!!!  Here's a healthy little list of snacks that I'll be portioning out.  You should too!




Thursday, March 28, 2013

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Stress Particle

WEEK 5

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.  -Lily Tomlin

There are no bandanas on this particular post. I did wear a couple, but I will save them for next week's post. This week was awash in stress.  Like many people before me, I experienced  how difficult it is to maintain a healthy path while working my way through a highly stressful week. There were walks, jogs, and workouts as planned, but the detrimental effects of stress made it difficult to sleep properly. Bedtime would come and I would toss and turn and flop around like a whale breaching. Travel also made it difficult to eat in a timely manner. By the time I was able to eat I was more ravenous than locusts in a wheat field. Thankfully, the level of stress I dealt with this week is not chronic, but all last summer I dealt with a level of chronic stress that contributed to my increasing diameter. This whole program is about solving that issue so I can make amazing changes.

I've always liked graphs to illustrate stuff.  At right, I've included a "fat graph" to help illustrate how stress totally sucks when you are trying to shrink.  According to said fat graph, when stress goes up, cortisol production goes up, and Leptin senstitivity goes down (Leptin is a hormone that acts as the energy hall monitor that keeps our energy intake-or fat consumption-under control.  If our sensitivity to Leptin is down, we eat like somebody else is going to steal the last donut.) Our body gets the message that we need more energy intake -even though we don't, and hunger goes up, with leads to increased fat storage, which leads to...weight gain.  YUCK.

So, how do we combat the effects of stress so that our little Leptins are happy?  We have to make sure we are sensitive to them. The best way to do that is to CHILL OUT and avoid stress-inducing situations. Granted, we can't always avoid stress or stressful people...there are just too many "interesting" people out there. But we can improve the ways we deal with stress. Improving coping skills and installing alternative reactions or stress relievers will help greatly to keep stress-related bulging at bay. (Nobody wants to look like a busted can of biscuits just because they've got a little stress).
"It's not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it." -Hans Selye

This was a LONG week filled with surprises, tiring travel, difficult personalities and troubling situations. My focus on my goals faltered because I was so busy just trying to keep it together. There is good news though. Unlike in the past, instead of falling back to stuffing myself full of fast food and other garbage, I located better food choices. Instead of eating at restaurants 3 times a day, I located a Winco. In their deli area they have pre-prepared salads, sandwiches and other meals. They run about $3.50 or so per meal.  Most hotel rooms have a micro-fridge, so I stocked up on good choices. This little triumph will help me immensely on future trips. And, instead of lying in a heap on the bed and watching cable, I jumped on the stress reduction band wagon with walks, journaling, and workouts. Five weeks into this 50 Bandanas to Fit program and I've made progress.  No, the majority of my progress hasn't been physical yet, but the mental and emotional changes I have made have been phenonmenal.  Changing my thinking is going to save my life.


A Fine List o' Stress Relievers: feel free to tell me what your favorite stress-reliever might be.

take a walk, take a jog, take a hike, sing a song, tell a joke, phone a friend, meditate, write in your journal, make some art, view some art, do some yoga, try some PMR (progressive muscle relaxation), have some sex, listen to some tunes, laugh out loud, take a bath, work in the garden, pick some flowers, reduce caffeine intake, light a nice smelling candle, dance a jig, get a massage, go workout, play with the dog, take a power nap, read a good book, cut down on junk food, go for a swim, go on a long drive, live without technology for a day, learn something new, go fishing, spend time alone, allow yourself to day dream, go outside and listen to the birds-or whatever else there is to hear, watch children play (but be careful or you may be labeled as a creeper), do something nice for someone.....

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Fist Pumping Triumph!!!!

I'm lighting my own blog up today by accident, but it just might be break-through time!! My stomach piped up and started whining about lunch, and as per usual, all I could think about was fast food: particularly Taco Bell. I popped up from my computer, grabbed my car keys, checked my wallet for cash, and just as I put my hand on the door knob, I started hearing this slo-mo Noooooooo!  It was in my head of course, but wonder of wonders I actually hung the keys back up and put my wallet down. Thus ensued a brief internal conversation with myself about how it's these stupid little decisions and justifications I keep making that add up to failure in my quest.  And TA-DA!  I made a good decision and made my OWN quesedilla- which was much more flavorful and healthy than the rubbish I would have purchased at Taco Bell. Triumph will be mine!!!

Now to spend the rest of the day trying not to reward myself with food for how awesome I was at lunch.  Sigh....